what do you want
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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
never ask a starfish for directions
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”