“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.