what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.