“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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wow he looks just like him
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
had to share :’)
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.