What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.