What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.