What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
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Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts