What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
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*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?