What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?