“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.