What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
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You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.