What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.


if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker


Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise


Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..


[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope


I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.


VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me