@DoucheMcBaggus

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

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@copymama

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@DanMentos

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

@capnwatsisname

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

@bea_ker

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

@Michael1979

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me