What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
How your email finds me
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …