What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
☺️
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.