What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
You Might Also Like
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
not for long
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.