What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

You Might Also Like


[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*


*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.


ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you


The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.


Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas


If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.


My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.