What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
channeling her this year
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”