What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really