Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods