What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Eat…
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
fair
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
No, YOUR illiterate.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I identify as an antique shop.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.