What flavor cupcake are these
You Might Also Like
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.