@prufrockluvsong

What flavor cupcake are these

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@Kyle_Lippert

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

@papasuncle

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

@djdarrellripley

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

@

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

@shanethevein

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

@ShaeAaron

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.