What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
🤣🤣🤣
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
The funk soul brother
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Mmmm canned fish.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.