what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
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I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*