“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
This is my bus stop.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?