What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.