What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
You Might Also Like
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Pigeon open mic night.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
can’t catch a break
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.