What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
You Might Also Like
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.