What happened to the other hiker??!
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her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Ugh but profoundly
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
