what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
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“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
(yawn)
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.