what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
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I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story