@Havish_AF

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

You Might Also Like

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@TheBoydP

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@kDuncanG

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

@PhuckinCody

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@joeislamo

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.