What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
knights of the ikea table
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by