What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”