“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
You Might Also Like
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
San Francisco has too many rules
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now