@crunchenhanced

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

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@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@MoistPork

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

@LeBearGirdle

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@floydimus

“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”

Brain: LOL

Empty bottles: LOL

Wine shop owner: LOL

New bottle: LOL

Bottle opener: LOL

Liver: LOL

Me: LOL

@papasuncle

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

@MsLisaM

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@James_Caan

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet