My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet