What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
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[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it