What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.