What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
You Might Also Like
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested