What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

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If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.


Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.


Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.


If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.


Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.


What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken


Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.


Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.