What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
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I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Dammit Chief not again
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.