What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints