– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.