– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
The best shot in the history of golf
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
me working on my assignments ^-^
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.