What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name