What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
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It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
This is my favorite one of these!
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Unimpressed
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies