@samalmightysam

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

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@leobunty

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

@PLATINUM2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

@becabird

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

@ErrenMichaels

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

@_SetTheHook_

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

@videojame_

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

@danchovy

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

@Parentpains

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

@AdamBroud

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.