What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

You Might Also Like


interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live


If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…


If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”


[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’


Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.


writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound


I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right


Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes


Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.