Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

You have been warned.

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

twitter users today:

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not