@existentialcoms

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

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@SondraDeeMe

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

@LocalButtLiker

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@LoveNLunchmeat

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@Ygrene

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

@TheBoydP

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

@designersays

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

@ozzyunc

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”