The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”