What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
You Might Also Like
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Natty or not?
And they lived apathetically ever after.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
oh shit
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.