what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
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Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
This is Sparta
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.