what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…