what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
you have three unread messages
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99