What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
You Might Also Like
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”