What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.


God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens


Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate


I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.


Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.


wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok


Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…


Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.