@P1ssed_K1d
@MatCro GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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@MatCro 
@Rollmaninoz God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
@GringoBrulee Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
@Glenny_Baby I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
@patnspankme Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
@st__arving [dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
@iwearaonesie wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
@djdarrellripley Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
@zachary_lampley Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.