@P1ssed_K1d

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

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@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@Rollmaninoz

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

@GringoBrulee

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

@Glenny_Baby

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

@iwearaonesie

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

@djdarrellripley

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.