What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…