What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity