What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
#parenting
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.