What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
New favorite tiktok
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.